Saturday, November 1, 2008

The Sh*ttiest videos ever made (Part 1)

Today I'm all about the videos. Crappy videos to be more specific. Look, I'm a music fan. And I can appreciate the significance of big hair, strategically placed tattoos or the occasional scantily clad bimbo dancing near a pool while some asshat pours $300 champagne on the ground "for his homies".

But looking back on some of the videos that I've seen in the past leave me wondering if somehow, post-Zeppelin and pre-Coldplay (ok, well maybe including Coldplay), we lost our musical way.

I submit to you five examples of what happens when sex, drugs, rock n roll and stupid mix.

Five worst videos done in the name of music

5. Cherry Pie - Warrant
I. Don't. Have. The Words. But apparently Jani Lane does. About 15 sentences worth. Eleven of which are variations on the word "swingin". Seriously? Hey Jani, I should write lyrics for you guys. "Swingin on the back porch, swingin in the kitchen, swingin in a bathroom stall, swingin while I'm sh..." never mind.
Point is, Warrant was so subtle in its delivery. Especially those scenes involving the woman being squirted with a firehose. For reals?


Music Videos by VideoCure

Look very closely and you can see Lainey's man-boobs. Hot.

4. Little Miss Can't be Wrong - Spin Doctors
Zzzzzz. Will someone wake me up in about 3 minutes? You would think with all those damned bright colors and people falling out of the sky this video would be more appealing. The most appealing thing about it is that they gave that poor homeless guy a chance to sing. Not only was this video bad enough to make me want to eat my own head, radio stations played that friggin song incessantly, causing a violent spike in road rage cases in the early nineties. Probably could have avoided it all if we'd just given the guy a quarter instead of a microphone.

3. Hero - Nickelback
What do you do when you need to make a video for the title song of a hit superhero movie but alls you've got is a band as unfortunate-looking as Nickelback? Why you load that video with tons of scenes from the movie that feature people who are less likely to induce vomiting. Then just put in a few odd cutaways of the hunchback band on a rooftop, screaming till their eyes bulge. Moose-like Chad Kroeger never gets a really close close-up (thankfully) and I actually believe that the guy behind him (Al from Tool Time) gets more camera love.

2. Commando - Vanessa Paradis
What the hell is she babbling about? "come on, comeon comeon ..." She's like a retarded puppy that's been clubbed in the head and left to die, writhing in agony out in the wilderness where noone can hear her screams. And who the hell is that dude that keeps acting like she's the hottest piece of ass he's ever seen? Is he serious or has he just been starving out in the desert for so long he thinks she's a dancing Mars bar?


1. Fly High Michelle - Enuff 'Z Nuff
'Cos nothing says 'rock star' like rainbows, doves and balloons. Its like some kind of sad French clown's wet dream. You can't even tell what the hell this song is about from the video. I don't even remember why these guys were famous for all of the 15-minutes. And, if I recall they did last the ENTIRE 15 minutes. Also, who puts cutesy spellings in the name of a rock band?

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