The Sh*ttiest videos ever made (Part 1)

Today I'm all about the videos. Crappy videos to be more specific. Look, I'm a music fan. And I can appreciate the significance of big hair, strategically placed tattoos or the occasional scantily clad bimbo dancing near a pool while some asshat pours $300 champagne on the ground "for his homies".

But looking back on some of the videos that I've seen in the past leave me wondering if somehow, post-Zeppelin and pre-Coldplay (ok, well maybe including Coldplay), we lost our musical way.

I submit to you five examples of what happens when sex, drugs, rock n roll and stupid mix.

Five worst videos done in the name of music

5. Cherry Pie - Warrant
I. Don't. Have. The Words. But apparently Jani Lane does. About 15 sentences worth. Eleven of which are variations on the word "swingin". Seriously? Hey Jani, I should write lyrics for you guys. "Swingin on the back porch, swingin in the kitchen, swingin in a bathroom stall, swingin while I'm sh..." never mind.
Point is, Warrant was so subtle in its delivery. Especially those scenes involving the woman being squirted with a firehose. For reals?

Cherry Pie lyrics - Warrant lyrics

Cherry Pie Video - Warrant Music Videos

Music Videos by VideoCure

Look very closely and you can see Lainey's man-boobs. Hot.

4. Little Miss Can't be Wrong - Spin Doctors
Zzzzzz. Will someone wake me up in about 3 minutes? You would think with all those damned bright colors and people falling out of the sky this video would be more appealing. The most appealing thing about it is that they gave that poor homeless guy a chance to sing. Not only was this video bad enough to make me want to eat my own head, radio stations played that friggin song incessantly, causing a violent spike in road rage cases in the early nineties. Probably could have avoided it all if we'd just given the guy a quarter instead of a microphone.

Spin Doctors - New Music - More Music Videos

3. Hero - Nickelback
What do you do when you need to make a video for the title song of a hit superhero movie but alls you've got is a band as unfortunate-looking as Nickelback? Why you load that video with tons of scenes from the movie that feature people who are less likely to induce vomiting. Then just put in a few odd cutaways of the hunchback band on a rooftop, screaming till their eyes bulge. Moose-like Chad Kroeger never gets a really close close-up (thankfully) and I actually believe that the guy behind him (Al from Tool Time) gets more camera love.

2. Commando - Vanessa Paradis
What the hell is she babbling about? "come on, comeon comeon ..." She's like a retarded puppy that's been clubbed in the head and left to die, writhing in agony out in the wilderness where noone can hear her screams. And who the hell is that dude that keeps acting like she's the hottest piece of ass he's ever seen? Is he serious or has he just been starving out in the desert for so long he thinks she's a dancing Mars bar?


1. Fly High Michelle - Enuff 'Z Nuff
'Cos nothing says 'rock star' like rainbows, doves and balloons. Its like some kind of sad French clown's wet dream. You can't even tell what the hell this song is about from the video. I don't even remember why these guys were famous for all of the 15-minutes. And, if I recall they did last the ENTIRE 15 minutes. Also, who puts cutesy spellings in the name of a rock band?

Wow. Just ... wow.

Musings of a Gen Xer

Thoughts:

• "As God as my witness, I thought turkeys could fly." - FUNNIEST. THING. EVER.
  
  
• If we needed proof our parents supported post-third trimester abortion, see the toys they bought us:
  
• The Slip n Slide - Rocks underneath plastic, staked down with metal stakes and ... just to make sure you don't miss that fence/lightpost/car ... we'll WET IT.
• The Sit N Spin - Sit on this. Now turn yourself around until you vomit. Fun huh?
• Lawn Darts - Because children should be given razor sharp darts to throw. Did this game even come with something to throw the darts at? I just remember lots of blood and crying. Oh ... and the eyepatch.
  
• Easy-bake ovens - Cause it's never too early to teach your kids about third-degree burns.
  
  
• Who booked the trips to Fantasy Island? Was there some sort of creepy schadenfreude-tinged travel agent?
  
  
• 
  A quiz - The guy in the Keep America Beautiful commercial is crying because
  a.) He got paid very little wampum to stand knee-deep in shit next to a dirty highway.
  b.) He just saved $400 on his auto insurance.
  c.) He thought this was the "Keep Brooklyn Relatively Tidy" campaign.
  

• Was the Hamburglar so cheap that he couldn't afford a less-than-a-dollar burger? And what the hell was Grimace anyway? Oh and follow this train-wreck of logic: Mayor McCheese was a cheeseburger, which McDonalds sells. Birdie was chicken (sort of), which McDonalds sells. Officer Big Mac was obviously another burger, which McDonalds sells. Ronald McDonald had a dog ...
  
  
• Who thought a man named Sgt. Slaughter would make a good GI Joe army action figure for kids?
  

The President's Mephistophilosophy

"Ask not what you can do for your country, ask what you can do for me ...
Helpless little goldfish in the man-eating democra-sea.."

Ernest & Bertram

Just for fun.

Maxwell's Silver Hammer

HAHAHAHAHAHA! I couldn't pass up this lovely cartoon from the folks at Hot Diggedy Demon Cartoons. Enjoy!

Wino cosmetics - I don't look good, so you don't have to either

Ok I know I've been obsessing about Amy Winehouse lately. And I'd promised myself I wouldn't post anything about her for a while. But I just couldn't pass this one up. (God forgive)
According to The Sun, Amy will be launching her own cosmetics line. Yep, that's right. For only $19.99 you too could look less than a quarter of that amount.

From the article:

Amy’s style has been copied by girls around the country and there’s a lot of money to be made. It’s a very distinctive look.

I wonder if a set comes complete with drug-addicted husband, a pair of unwashed knickers and a monogrammed bong. 'Cos nothin says "crackwhore" like an Amy Winehouse makeover. Nothing.

I am a psychic

Yep. Amy Wino makes the news yet again. And this time ... it's personal.

According to this article from The Sun:

The mucky star has been living in the luxury London hotel since leaving rehab nearly two weeks ago and has refused to let in the cleaners.

Hotel management finally went into her room while Amy was performing at the Brits on Wednesday — and found at least £3,000 worth of damage in the executive suite.

Booze was spilled all over the wooden hallway and cigarette butts, countless bottles of champagne and unwashed knickers were all over the floor.

The blackened bath had to be scrubbed and unclogged after she dyed and washed her famous beehive in the tub.

Uh ... eww. You know, I was ok until the "unwashed knickers" part. Umm ... wash much, Amy? That alone made this story go from 'unwed welfare mother' to 'past her prime Hollywood hooker'. All I have to say is, you heard it here first. The woman is beyond scary.